This week will just be a few entries that I can't fit into a full blog. So away we go -
I must be crazy. I just booked an 10 day holiday to Mexico, to see a woman I've never met before. Why do I do these things? My heart is racing after I've done this today, I've never felt more nervous or aprehensive. I have the "buyers remorse" at the moment, but I'm sure it will fade. Any donations to help will be welcome :D
I was speaking to a friend a few weeks ago, and I mentioned my fondness for the John Thaw Inspector Morse detective series. He, a very working class Birmingham lad, mentioned his dislike for the show as he felt it was too middle class. My feeling is, what's wrong with this? Television shows should be geared towards all groups. Morse's foil on the show was the very working class family man, the character the audience was supposed to relate to the most. We were meant to laugh as he rolled his eyes at more of Morse's literay quotes. Even when Lewis got his own spin off show, he was paired with a high brow intellectual who got on his tits. My Brummie friend is also a fan of the show EastEnders, which claims to be a accurate potrayal of working class life in the East end. Yet where are the working classes in the show? The show deals with pub owners, car salesmen, cafe owners, market stall owners etc. all middle class professions. There is a time and a place for all kinda of shows I feel.
Saturday, 30 April 2011
Wednesday, 13 April 2011
"and now when i'm lonesome, I always pretend that i'm getting the feel of Hickory Wind"
I know it's cliche to say, but there are some musicians who define who you are. For me, those two are Gram Parsons and Gene Clark. They both have voices that hint of eternal sadness, and lived lives that where full of demons and destruction. They also both died of relatively young deaths, Parsons at 26 and Clark at 46. They both were country rock pioneers, fusing the two genres that they loved to introduce to a generation who though that their music was square. There is differences between them of course; Parsons' image was much more outgoing, with nudie suits and his seeming desire to prance on stage like Mick Jagger whilst Clark was more reserved, more introspective.
Whenever I am feeling nostalgic for a more simple life, or even the desire to escape from anything, Parson's "Hickory Wind" that he recorded with The Byrds in 1968 remains a favourite. Supported by Chris Hillman's tenor harmony part, Parson's speaks of a more simple time in a rural country life where even the memory can cheer up a dull day. Living in 21st Century London, the simple pedal steel guitar driven tune makes me wants to escape and be in the arms of a special someone.
Whilst I admire Parsons, for my money Gene Clark just edges him for my empathy and respect. Parson's was a trust fund kid, who destroyed his life through his demons. Clark was a small town boy - the only one from the original Byrds line up - who experienced world wide fame at a young age before departing the Byrds. A recent theory feels that Clark probably had bipolar, which would explain his need when sober to self destruct once more. I don't think there is a song he did that doesn't speak of sadness, or regret. Listen to his vocals on "She's the Kind of Girl"; his longing and passion backed by Crosby and McGuinn's harmonies are infectious. If there was any justice in the world, he would be mentioned in the same breath as Dylan. Unfortunately, because of his mental instability, he lacked the drive and composure of his more famous contemporaries. Speaking as someone who suffers from mental illness, he feels like a kindred spirit who write these songs for me. If you look at the image of the White Light album above, it seems fitting to have Clark alone, against the sun; romantic, sad and fitting with his music perfectly. With moods like I am in now, I am going to raise a toast to two of music's most tortured genius'.
Reflections
During my last stint "on the couch" in late 2006, my therapist told me during the grieving process that sometimes we need to look back on old writings to remind us what made us so passionate when we lose the passion. I often lose the passion, burdened down by my own lack of confidence, lazyiness, or both; when my Mum died, I wrote down 3 blogs on Myspace (remember that?) that I felt were full of passion, anger, energy and life. I feel I need to look back on these 3 posts more often, as they can remind me of why I want to continue in life and how much energy I can have when I need it.
I still think about my Mum alot of course; even though Iestyn has never met her he seems to know who she is. When Sammy says "say goodnight to Nana Sandra", he takes out her picture and kisses it goodnight. She believes her flat is haunted by the good spirit of her. While I don't believe in ghosts myself, it's a nice thought.
I want to thank a few people, who I don't think I've ever thanked properly after she died. Their love, phone calls and support meant alot to me and still do. These people are Matt, Stu, Adam and Tom. I never knew Tom that well, and still don't, but I remain appreciative that he took the time to call and send a letter. Cheers buddy.
Anyway, these are the 3 blog posts that I will use to continue to inspire me.
29 Jul 2006
My Mum
My mum, Sandra Williams, a beautiful young women with alot left to give the world passed away 9 days on the 20th July. She was only 44. I found her face down in her bed, realised something was wrong and dialed 999. It hurts me to know my I knew my Mum was in the position she died when I got up 2 hours before, but I didn't realise anything was wrong. I will never forgive myself for that. The police initially of course treated her death as suspicious, as she was young. They conviscated her phones, ID, money and house keys which meant we couldn't even come here to pay our respects until the coroner phoned us 4 days later, telling us Mum passed away from a heart attack and we could collect her things. It was so fustrating, as I couldn't even contact her brothers and sisters in North Wales, John, Meirion, Iffor and Jamis, to tell them their beloved sister had died until a day after as I didn't have their numbers. I hope this will bring us together. We visited them in Penryndeudreuth, the place my Mum grew up, the day after my Mum died. We were all in shock more than crying. She was so young. She had been quite stressed recently and a heavy drinker, but I still just can't get over all this. I think I'm being braver than my two brothesr, Dale and Jamie, by confronting this head on by first visiting the house where she passed on to deliver flowers twice. We're trying to smile and laugh and bottle up some of our emotions. I'm here where she died now for the first time actually doing something 'normal'. I can't help but think of Mum though here in the place she died. I never appreciated all the things she had done for me. I never hugged her, or told her I loved her which I'm going to regret for the rest of my life. I'm sure she knew I loved her, but I just wish I could have told her that. I'm going to make her proud in life for now on. I did think about not going back to university in September, but I know my Mum would have wanted me to carry on and graduate. I will do it, and everything in life, in her memory. Alot of the cards from Mums place of work for NHS direct have said how proud she was of us boys, which I will never forget. Dale and my Dad (who split up with my mum 8 years ago) want to run the London Marathon next year, to raise money for the British Heart Foundation. I hope they do, and I will support them all the way. Please donate to it. Heart attacks are a big killer, and they can't go on claiming young lives.
The funeral is in two days time, in Bangor crematorium. We are lucky in that Mum always specified that she wanted to be cremated and her ashes spread on Snowdon. She loved that mountain. She always told me that she could see it from her room when she was growing up and to her it represented hope. Theres quite a few photos and painting of Snowdon here. I have the painting, and have hung it up in my room at my Dads. It's a beautiful picture, and I know it meant alot to my Mum and it means alot to me too. The funeral won't be a depressing affair..Mum i'm sure wouldn't have wanted it that way. She would want us to celebrate her life. There will be no black suits with black ties. I really hope alot of people attend, it would mean alot to us to know my Mum was loved by alot of people, especially Dale, Jamie and I. We will miss her always, and love her always. I miss you Mum.
If anyone wants to contact me, I'm living at my Dads at the moment. The address is Mark Thomas, Caemeirion, Llangwyryfon, Aberystwyth, Ceredigion, SY23 4SW. The phone number there is 01974 241552. My mobile as always is 07791185029, but I can't get a signal at my Dads. I appreciate all my friends support. I couldn't get through this without your support. I love you guys. I love you Mum.
1 Aug 2006
My Mum's funeral
Well it was my Mums funeral yesterday in the cremetorium in Bangor, and it was such a long day. It was a nice service, with around 60 people there which was so flattering. I didn't expect so many, and it was nice to see that so many people cared enough about my Mum to be there. When the Welsh hym was sung at the end, it was so moving that so many people joined in and sounded like a beautiful choir. I know it sounds abit cheesy, but we had the theme from the film Gladiator as the entrance and exit music. My mum loved that music so much, and I feel it was a fitting choice. The day had quite a few things that I feel really bad for:
1. The funeral was 11 days after my Mum died. I would have prefered it to have been sooner. To be fair to us, Mum wasn't released to us by the coroner until 4 days after she passed on and yesterday was the soonest we could have booked it.
2. We were late. I feel terrible for this. We arrived about 10 minutes late as we got stuck 40 mins in the traffic in Portmadog. My trowsers were drenched in sweat, I was that annoyed and nervous. When we arrived, everyone was stood outside waiting for us and looking at us. I felt terrible, and didn't have time to prepare myself or talk to anyone before hand. I was just plain annoyed. I didn't cry at all at the funeral, which I also feel bad for. I wonder if that makes me a bad person, but Amy reckons it makes me strong. I hope you are right! I cried for ages the day she died and the day after, but i'm just trying to be strong.
Like I said though, it was a nice service with some kind and loving words said about my Mum. It was nice to meet everyone afetrwards and at the wake. We also visited her Mums grave, her Mum's Mum's grave and Neil (my cousins grave) to put flowers on in Minfordd. We hopefully will be scattering Mum's ashes on Snowdon this weekend, which we got permission to do, although not at the summit. Such a hard and emotional day yesterday. I love you Mum.
9 Aug 2006
Moving
With Mum's death, we of course have to move to my Dad's just five minutes away. When she died, I of course wanted to because I felt safe there, with people. But now I don't. I don't think i'm dealing with this aswell as I thought I was. I'm getting irritated by the family very easily, and visa versa. When packing my room up at Mums today, I felt I couldn't do it, and also didn't want to. To see the almost empty house made me quite upset. When I think about it now, it would be oddly comforting just to stay there, because I would feel Mum's precence there. Yes, it is the house she died in, but she lived and enjoyed living there. When I'm here at my Dads, I want a place to escape to. When at Mum's, I didn't feel that. I felt welcome and love. I miss her, and living her, and everything she did for me alot. I was quite upbeat the first two weeks since her passing, but i'm really feeling the strain. I just need to get away.
I still think about my Mum alot of course; even though Iestyn has never met her he seems to know who she is. When Sammy says "say goodnight to Nana Sandra", he takes out her picture and kisses it goodnight. She believes her flat is haunted by the good spirit of her. While I don't believe in ghosts myself, it's a nice thought.
I want to thank a few people, who I don't think I've ever thanked properly after she died. Their love, phone calls and support meant alot to me and still do. These people are Matt, Stu, Adam and Tom. I never knew Tom that well, and still don't, but I remain appreciative that he took the time to call and send a letter. Cheers buddy.
Anyway, these are the 3 blog posts that I will use to continue to inspire me.
29 Jul 2006
My Mum
My mum, Sandra Williams, a beautiful young women with alot left to give the world passed away 9 days on the 20th July. She was only 44. I found her face down in her bed, realised something was wrong and dialed 999. It hurts me to know my I knew my Mum was in the position she died when I got up 2 hours before, but I didn't realise anything was wrong. I will never forgive myself for that. The police initially of course treated her death as suspicious, as she was young. They conviscated her phones, ID, money and house keys which meant we couldn't even come here to pay our respects until the coroner phoned us 4 days later, telling us Mum passed away from a heart attack and we could collect her things. It was so fustrating, as I couldn't even contact her brothers and sisters in North Wales, John, Meirion, Iffor and Jamis, to tell them their beloved sister had died until a day after as I didn't have their numbers. I hope this will bring us together. We visited them in Penryndeudreuth, the place my Mum grew up, the day after my Mum died. We were all in shock more than crying. She was so young. She had been quite stressed recently and a heavy drinker, but I still just can't get over all this. I think I'm being braver than my two brothesr, Dale and Jamie, by confronting this head on by first visiting the house where she passed on to deliver flowers twice. We're trying to smile and laugh and bottle up some of our emotions. I'm here where she died now for the first time actually doing something 'normal'. I can't help but think of Mum though here in the place she died. I never appreciated all the things she had done for me. I never hugged her, or told her I loved her which I'm going to regret for the rest of my life. I'm sure she knew I loved her, but I just wish I could have told her that. I'm going to make her proud in life for now on. I did think about not going back to university in September, but I know my Mum would have wanted me to carry on and graduate. I will do it, and everything in life, in her memory. Alot of the cards from Mums place of work for NHS direct have said how proud she was of us boys, which I will never forget. Dale and my Dad (who split up with my mum 8 years ago) want to run the London Marathon next year, to raise money for the British Heart Foundation. I hope they do, and I will support them all the way. Please donate to it. Heart attacks are a big killer, and they can't go on claiming young lives.
The funeral is in two days time, in Bangor crematorium. We are lucky in that Mum always specified that she wanted to be cremated and her ashes spread on Snowdon. She loved that mountain. She always told me that she could see it from her room when she was growing up and to her it represented hope. Theres quite a few photos and painting of Snowdon here. I have the painting, and have hung it up in my room at my Dads. It's a beautiful picture, and I know it meant alot to my Mum and it means alot to me too. The funeral won't be a depressing affair..Mum i'm sure wouldn't have wanted it that way. She would want us to celebrate her life. There will be no black suits with black ties. I really hope alot of people attend, it would mean alot to us to know my Mum was loved by alot of people, especially Dale, Jamie and I. We will miss her always, and love her always. I miss you Mum.
If anyone wants to contact me, I'm living at my Dads at the moment. The address is Mark Thomas, Caemeirion, Llangwyryfon, Aberystwyth, Ceredigion, SY23 4SW. The phone number there is 01974 241552. My mobile as always is 07791185029, but I can't get a signal at my Dads. I appreciate all my friends support. I couldn't get through this without your support. I love you guys. I love you Mum.
1 Aug 2006
My Mum's funeral
Well it was my Mums funeral yesterday in the cremetorium in Bangor, and it was such a long day. It was a nice service, with around 60 people there which was so flattering. I didn't expect so many, and it was nice to see that so many people cared enough about my Mum to be there. When the Welsh hym was sung at the end, it was so moving that so many people joined in and sounded like a beautiful choir. I know it sounds abit cheesy, but we had the theme from the film Gladiator as the entrance and exit music. My mum loved that music so much, and I feel it was a fitting choice. The day had quite a few things that I feel really bad for:
1. The funeral was 11 days after my Mum died. I would have prefered it to have been sooner. To be fair to us, Mum wasn't released to us by the coroner until 4 days after she passed on and yesterday was the soonest we could have booked it.
2. We were late. I feel terrible for this. We arrived about 10 minutes late as we got stuck 40 mins in the traffic in Portmadog. My trowsers were drenched in sweat, I was that annoyed and nervous. When we arrived, everyone was stood outside waiting for us and looking at us. I felt terrible, and didn't have time to prepare myself or talk to anyone before hand. I was just plain annoyed. I didn't cry at all at the funeral, which I also feel bad for. I wonder if that makes me a bad person, but Amy reckons it makes me strong. I hope you are right! I cried for ages the day she died and the day after, but i'm just trying to be strong.
Like I said though, it was a nice service with some kind and loving words said about my Mum. It was nice to meet everyone afetrwards and at the wake. We also visited her Mums grave, her Mum's Mum's grave and Neil (my cousins grave) to put flowers on in Minfordd. We hopefully will be scattering Mum's ashes on Snowdon this weekend, which we got permission to do, although not at the summit. Such a hard and emotional day yesterday. I love you Mum.
9 Aug 2006
Moving
With Mum's death, we of course have to move to my Dad's just five minutes away. When she died, I of course wanted to because I felt safe there, with people. But now I don't. I don't think i'm dealing with this aswell as I thought I was. I'm getting irritated by the family very easily, and visa versa. When packing my room up at Mums today, I felt I couldn't do it, and also didn't want to. To see the almost empty house made me quite upset. When I think about it now, it would be oddly comforting just to stay there, because I would feel Mum's precence there. Yes, it is the house she died in, but she lived and enjoyed living there. When I'm here at my Dads, I want a place to escape to. When at Mum's, I didn't feel that. I felt welcome and love. I miss her, and living her, and everything she did for me alot. I was quite upbeat the first two weeks since her passing, but i'm really feeling the strain. I just need to get away.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)