Random ramblings

This week will just be a few entries that I can't fit into a full blog. So away we go -

I must be crazy. I just booked an 10 day holiday to Mexico, to see a woman I've never met before. Why do I do these things? My heart is racing after I've done this today, I've never felt more nervous or aprehensive. I have the "buyers remorse" at the moment, but I'm sure it will fade. Any donations to help will be welcome :D

I was speaking to a friend a few weeks ago, and I mentioned my fondness for the John Thaw Inspector Morse detective series. He, a very working class Birmingham lad, mentioned his dislike for the show as he felt it was too middle class. My feeling is, what's wrong with this? Television shows should be geared towards all groups. Morse's foil on the show was the very working class family man, the character the audience was supposed to relate to the most. We were meant to laugh as he rolled his eyes at more of Morse's literay quotes. Even when Lewis got his own spin off show, he was paired with a high brow intellectual who got on his tits. My Brummie friend is also a fan of the show EastEnders, which claims to be a accurate potrayal of working class life in the East end. Yet where are the working classes in the show? The show deals with pub owners, car salesmen, cafe owners, market stall owners etc. all middle class professions. There is a time and a place for all kinda of shows I feel.

"and now when i'm lonesome, I always pretend that i'm getting the feel of Hickory Wind"

I know it's cliche to say, but there are some musicians who define who you are. For me, those two are Gram Parsons and Gene Clark. They both have voices that hint of eternal sadness, and lived lives that where full of demons and destruction. They also both died of relatively young deaths, Parsons at 26 and Clark at 46. They both were country rock pioneers, fusing the two genres that they loved to introduce to a generation who though that their music was square. There is differences between them of course; Parsons' image was much more outgoing, with nudie suits and his seeming desire to prance on stage like Mick Jagger whilst Clark was more reserved, more introspective.

Whenever I am feeling nostalgic for a more simple life, or even the desire to escape from anything, Parson's "Hickory Wind" that he recorded with The Byrds in 1968 remains a favourite. Supported by Chris Hillman's tenor harmony part, Parson's speaks of a more simple time in a rural country life where even the memory can cheer up a dull day. Living in 21st Century London, the simple pedal steel guitar driven tune makes me wants to escape and be in the arms of a special someone.

Whilst I admire Parsons, for my money Gene Clark just edges him for my empathy and respect. Parson's was a trust fund kid, who destroyed his life through his demons. Clark was a small town boy - the only one from the original Byrds line up - who experienced world wide fame at a young age before departing the Byrds. A recent theory feels that Clark probably had bipolar, which would explain his need when sober to self destruct once more. I don't think there is a song he did that doesn't speak of sadness, or regret. Listen to his vocals on "She's the Kind of Girl"; his longing and passion backed by Crosby and McGuinn's harmonies are infectious. If there was any justice in the world, he would be mentioned in the same breath as Dylan. Unfortunately, because of his mental instability, he lacked the drive and composure of his more famous contemporaries. Speaking as someone who suffers from mental illness, he feels like a kindred spirit who write these songs for me. If you look at the image of the White Light album above, it seems fitting to have Clark alone, against the sun; romantic, sad and fitting with his music perfectly. With moods like I am in now, I am going to raise a toast to two of music's most tortured genius'.

Reflections

During my last stint "on the couch" in late 2006, my therapist told me during the grieving process that sometimes we need to look back on old writings to remind us what made us so passionate when we lose the passion. I often lose the passion, burdened down by my own lack of confidence, lazyiness, or both; when my Mum died, I wrote down 3 blogs on Myspace (remember that?) that I felt were full of passion, anger, energy and life. I feel I need to look back on these 3 posts more often, as they can remind me of why I want to continue in life and how much energy I can have when I need it.

I still think about my Mum alot of course; even though Iestyn has never met her he seems to know who she is. When Sammy says "say goodnight to Nana Sandra", he takes out her picture and kisses it goodnight. She believes her flat is haunted by the good spirit of her. While I don't believe in ghosts myself, it's a nice thought.

I want to thank a few people, who I don't think I've ever thanked properly after she died. Their love, phone calls and support meant alot to me and still do. These people are Matt, Stu, Adam and Tom. I never knew Tom that well, and still don't, but I remain appreciative that he took the time to call and send a letter. Cheers buddy.

Anyway, these are the 3 blog posts that I will use to continue to inspire me.

29 Jul 2006
My Mum


My mum, Sandra Williams, a beautiful young women with alot left to give the world passed away 9 days on the 20th July. She was only 44. I found her face down in her bed, realised something was wrong and dialed 999. It hurts me to know my I knew my Mum was in the position she died when I got up 2 hours before, but I didn't realise anything was wrong. I will never forgive myself for that. The police initially of course treated her death as suspicious, as she was young. They conviscated her phones, ID, money and house keys which meant we couldn't even come here to pay our respects until the coroner phoned us 4 days later, telling us Mum passed away from a heart attack and we could collect her things. It was so fustrating, as I couldn't even contact her brothers and sisters in North Wales, John, Meirion, Iffor and Jamis, to tell them their beloved sister had died until a day after as I didn't have their numbers. I hope this will bring us together. We visited them in Penryndeudreuth, the place my Mum grew up, the day after my Mum died. We were all in shock more than crying. She was so young. She had been quite stressed recently and a heavy drinker, but I still just can't get over all this. I think I'm being braver than my two brothesr, Dale and Jamie, by confronting this head on by first visiting the house where she passed on to deliver flowers twice. We're trying to smile and laugh and bottle up some of our emotions. I'm here where she died now for the first time actually doing something 'normal'. I can't help but think of Mum though here in the place she died. I never appreciated all the things she had done for me. I never hugged her, or told her I loved her which I'm going to regret for the rest of my life. I'm sure she knew I loved her, but I just wish I could have told her that. I'm going to make her proud in life for now on. I did think about not going back to university in September, but I know my Mum would have wanted me to carry on and graduate. I will do it, and everything in life, in her memory. Alot of the cards from Mums place of work for NHS direct have said how proud she was of us boys, which I will never forget. Dale and my Dad (who split up with my mum 8 years ago) want to run the London Marathon next year, to raise money for the British Heart Foundation. I hope they do, and I will support them all the way. Please donate to it. Heart attacks are a big killer, and they can't go on claiming young lives.

The funeral is in two days time, in Bangor crematorium. We are lucky in that Mum always specified that she wanted to be cremated and her ashes spread on Snowdon. She loved that mountain. She always told me that she could see it from her room when she was growing up and to her it represented hope. Theres quite a few photos and painting of Snowdon here. I have the painting, and have hung it up in my room at my Dads. It's a beautiful picture, and I know it meant alot to my Mum and it means alot to me too. The funeral won't be a depressing affair..Mum i'm sure wouldn't have wanted it that way. She would want us to celebrate her life. There will be no black suits with black ties. I really hope alot of people attend, it would mean alot to us to know my Mum was loved by alot of people, especially Dale, Jamie and I. We will miss her always, and love her always. I miss you Mum.

If anyone wants to contact me, I'm living at my Dads at the moment. The address is Mark Thomas, Caemeirion, Llangwyryfon, Aberystwyth, Ceredigion, SY23 4SW. The phone number there is 01974 241552. My mobile as always is 07791185029, but I can't get a signal at my Dads. I appreciate all my friends support. I couldn't get through this without your support. I love you guys. I love you Mum.

1 Aug 2006
My Mum's funeral


Well it was my Mums funeral yesterday in the cremetorium in Bangor, and it was such a long day. It was a nice service, with around 60 people there which was so flattering. I didn't expect so many, and it was nice to see that so many people cared enough about my Mum to be there. When the Welsh hym was sung at the end, it was so moving that so many people joined in and sounded like a beautiful choir. I know it sounds abit cheesy, but we had the theme from the film Gladiator as the entrance and exit music. My mum loved that music so much, and I feel it was a fitting choice. The day had quite a few things that I feel really bad for:

1. The funeral was 11 days after my Mum died. I would have prefered it to have been sooner. To be fair to us, Mum wasn't released to us by the coroner until 4 days after she passed on and yesterday was the soonest we could have booked it.

2. We were late. I feel terrible for this. We arrived about 10 minutes late as we got stuck 40 mins in the traffic in Portmadog. My trowsers were drenched in sweat, I was that annoyed and nervous. When we arrived, everyone was stood outside waiting for us and looking at us. I felt terrible, and didn't have time to prepare myself or talk to anyone before hand. I was just plain annoyed. I didn't cry at all at the funeral, which I also feel bad for. I wonder if that makes me a bad person, but Amy reckons it makes me strong. I hope you are right! I cried for ages the day she died and the day after, but i'm just trying to be strong.

Like I said though, it was a nice service with some kind and loving words said about my Mum. It was nice to meet everyone afetrwards and at the wake. We also visited her Mums grave, her Mum's Mum's grave and Neil (my cousins grave) to put flowers on in Minfordd. We hopefully will be scattering Mum's ashes on Snowdon this weekend, which we got permission to do, although not at the summit. Such a hard and emotional day yesterday. I love you Mum.

9 Aug 2006
Moving


With Mum's death, we of course have to move to my Dad's just five minutes away. When she died, I of course wanted to because I felt safe there, with people. But now I don't. I don't think i'm dealing with this aswell as I thought I was. I'm getting irritated by the family very easily, and visa versa. When packing my room up at Mums today, I felt I couldn't do it, and also didn't want to. To see the almost empty house made me quite upset. When I think about it now, it would be oddly comforting just to stay there, because I would feel Mum's precence there. Yes, it is the house she died in, but she lived and enjoyed living there. When I'm here at my Dads, I want a place to escape to. When at Mum's, I didn't feel that. I felt welcome and love. I miss her, and living her, and everything she did for me alot. I was quite upbeat the first two weeks since her passing, but i'm really feeling the strain. I just need to get away.

"Step into Christmas with me. Yeah"

Sorry for the lack of updates, but with writers block I have not had any ideas. I will be gone for a week, so I will have time to think and formulate some articles for you to enjoy when I return. Merry Christmas to all!

P.S. I will never predict a football result again. Jeez.

El Clásico

Well, it's El Clásico time on Monday with Spains answer to Celtic and Rangers, Barcelona and Real Madrid. Once again we are treated to the tedious faux Catalan nationalism of Barca, with Real Madrid portrayed as the love child of that great football tactician, General Franco. Don't believe me? Check out the wikipedia entry for the match history. Let me make it clear that Franco's dictatorship was barbaric and unjust. Yet he didn't make Real's success on the football field. It irks me that something as right wing as nationalism is given a free ride when it comes to Catalans. What makes Catalan nationalism better than, say, Welsh nationalism? They are both 19th century contructs, that have an us against them mentality. The fact Barca have Unicef on the shirts is seen as a great victory for charity, yet to the above left of their shirts they have the sponsors of the child labour giant Nike, where Nike pay me for this space than any other club as the Barca shirt is free of corporate cash (on the front at least).

I predict 1-0 Real.

"Let them buy their freedom, the free buy insecticide!"

(note: this article mainly talks about the original concept album, rather than the subsequent musical and film.)

The rock opera Evita, originally released as a concept album in 1976, equates freedom with consumer capitalism with the message that aslong as the free market is allowed to reign, people can make and sell their goods. The title line of this blog, used in the disc one closer "A New Argentina" and sung by the chorus character Che, represents the feelings of lyricist Tim Rice. It's not hard to see why Che's insecticide subplot was dropped when the album was transferred into the stage musical that it's best known for, as Che was turned into by director Harold Prince into literally Che Guevara despite the fact Che was nowhere near Argentina at the time the musical is set (1934-1952). No matter. This is the Che that the musical is best known for, for what I feel is a detriment. The Alan Parker film wisely reverts Che back to the everyman commentator, but still ignores the insecticide subplot.

While the musical derides the right wing dictatorship of Peron, the musical can't help but feel slightly conservative in tone, which is not surprising as it's written by the conservative Tim Rice. The album feels slightly anti-union, which was a general mood of the UK at the time with the three day week. The albums worst line is "screw the middle classes", sung is a high shrill like manner by Julie Covington that makes it seems the message this is unreasonable. Rice's approach to the material is that Person and Eva were wrong to target these institutions, and he was a demagogue. That he was, but not for targeting middle classes.

It also feels slightly misogynistic. Yes lyrics such as "her only good parts are between her thighs" are sung by army officers, they seem unnecessarily harsh and detract from a good attempt at dissecting Person's brutal dictatorship. Eva barely has any good points during the album, and always seems to be on the lookout for any opportunity to further her career which are mocked by Che.

Despite these misgivings, the music and the album as a whole for me are terrific, and very memorable. Composer Andrew Lloyd-Webber uses a variety of musical styles to convey Rice's lyrics, and on the whole they work very well. He uses the right musical styles at the right moment, while also using the right instrumentation. For example, during the musical break for "Buenos Aires" he utilises a distinctive guitar solo by Shadows guitarist Hank Marvin that works very well. The playing hints at Eva's ambition, frantically matching the pulsating beat. Credit also must go to the singer who plays Eva, Julie Covington. She sings most of the songs in the same cold, calculating manner which matches Rice's portrayal of Eva as the ultimate personification of her as Machiavellian ingenuity. Whilst she does pronounce some words horribly wrong (most notably descamisados), I feel she has been the only Eva who has matched Rice's ambition.

Credit also must go to Colm Wilkinson for his portrayal of everyman Che. He sings with a certain cynicism at the proceedings, while also hoping that Person's worker lead dictatorship can result in the capitalism that Rice believes in ("To see an underdog succeed/Is the encouragement I need").

Best song: "High Flying Adored", perhaps Che's first seeing as Eva as only driven by ambition, not love for the people
Best lyric: "High flying, adored, so young, the instant queen, a
Rich beautiful thing of all the talents, a cross between a
Fantasy of the bedroom and a saint" which best explains why people are still fascination by Eva today, and not Margaret Thatcher.

"D-I-V-O-R-C-E"

His girlfriend idolises Tammy Wynette, endlessly singing and listening to her songs. He can't stand it, and more to the point, he used to be a child prodigy, though she doesn't realise what he actually was. This about sums up Bob Rafelson's Five Easy Pieces. The central character is Robert Dupea. This is a man who never feels comfortable in any surrounding, who always feels like a failure. His middle name is Eroica, which gives us hints as to who he is and where he comes from. He is a mystery, a man who doesn't belong and pushes everyone away from himself.

From the start, Dupea appears to be a blue collar, oil rigger who's life lacks direction. His girlfriend is a not-so-bright waitress named Rayette, who aswell as Wynette, idolises Dupea. He doesn't seem to even give her a passing glance, and she knows it, chiding him "There isn't anybody gonna look after you AND love you, as good as I do.". She's right. Dupea cares for no one but himself, and feels uneasy in any situation he is. Witness an early scene where they are bowling with a couple. Dupea seems embarrassed by Rayette, and when two women come onto him, he lights up for the first time in the scene.

By this point whoever, he seems an ordinary guy, yet uncontent with his surroundings. A scene where he is stuck in traffic, then jumps on a truck to play a piano suggests odd behaviour. This is a man who won't tell his friends who he is, or let them come close. He eventually going to an LA recording studio, where his sister is recording a piece. She informs him their father has had a stroke that is incapacitated him, and he has not much longer to live so Robert must see her.

From here, we see the duality that Robert goes through to maintain a social facade. In the blue collar world of oil rigging, he is know as Bobby, an informal name yet when he returns to Washington state to see his family, he is known formally as Robert. Whilst he chose to abandon his wealthy upbringing to search for his personal freedom in his life, he seems embarrassed by his new life, not letting Rayette come to the house and leaves her in a motel. Dupea has been running from his past life, but it is not clear why. He is a man who just runs from everything, with no clear goal in mind.

It has been said that film was made at the time the New Hollywood was kicking off, and introspective characters were now going to become the norm in this new pictures. Yet, how many introspective, despairing characters are there now? They know what they want, but not always how to get it. Dupea does not know what he wants, and is often impulsive, quitting his oil rigger job as soon as he falls out with his friend Elton. This is a man with a bleak future, who can fall back on his wealthy past yet chooses to turn away from it. The instant classic "chicken salad" scene just hints at the rage beneath the surface.

At his family's home, he falls for his brothers girlfriend and student, Catherine. His family seem very loving, yet he hates the comfort. in Catherine finally seems to be a woman who understands, and identifies with him yet evidently she struggles to comprehend why he turned his back on his past life. Their differences are immediate. He feels alienated and bored in their massive house, yet she reveals she has never been bored in her life. She sees a man who had all that life give, and he chose to turn away and in unappreciative. Yet while she convinced him to return to the piano, and appears to be moved by his piece, Dupea again reveals his torment by that he played the easiest piece he knew and that he believes she is faking her response. They make love, but she refuses to commit, stating in perhaps the most accurate description of Dupea one can muster "If a person has no love for himself, no respect for himself, no love of his friends, family, work, something - how can he ask for love in return? I mean, why should he ask for it?". She is right, and he is devastated.

She doesn't understand however that he feels himself to be a failure, as he reveals to his unresponsive father in a heart rendering scene. Dupea reveals that his piano playing never pleased his father, and that's why he is always running. This emotional scene reveals the core of the film. While the film may be straight forward in it's approach, it reveals human characters that surprise you with their reactions.




And always run he shall. In the climatic scene at a gas station, a despondent Dupea looks in the mirror in the bathroom, clearly not liking what he sees. The gaze as it is known, is a method in cinema for personal reflection, usually in the negative sense. With Rayette occupied, Dupea senses an escape and hitches a ride from a trucker, Destination anywhere. Just like the wealthy drop outs on the commune in Easy Rider, he is escaping from his pressurised environment. Dupea is a man who will always on the run, searching for his own personal freedom.